just another day

one more day
no lesson to live
no memory to have
no life to be.
is there a point to going around the sun
with people all living for themselves
nothing gets done
questions unanswered
is God unaware
does He understand
how hard it is down here
no help from anyone
things cannot get done
cying is unstoppable
evilness not overcome

point to pointlessness
reason to unreasonableness
pity my soul
for wandering alone

is there a way
for things to really matter
for things to change
without sacrifice and pain

too much

life is too hard
too long
too difficult
too painful
too many tears
too many heartaches
not worth doing for very long

done

done thanks for playing
it's been real
painful
remorseful
lousy
done

how i feel somedays about life 

someday my handsome prince will come, until then . . .  

scubasizing

I love scuba diving. ITS SOOOO FUN! My weights kept slipping out of my BC vest and I would start drifting away in the pool, (yeah, just wait till I can look at stuff other than clamy blue swimming pool walls) and so my scuba buddy grabbed onto my vest and grabbed the weight and started to put it back in place.
so there I was, laying on my back in the water and my feet started drifting up and I looked like a macy's day parade balloon. ". . . and now we have a scuba diver floating upside-down" but finally she got the weight put back in and then I did a complete flip and came back around and gave her the "ok" sign.

I don't think i'll dive again.

too big

overheard in a cafe'
I really like rivers. I'd like to live by one again. I used to have one when I was a little girl, right outside my bedroom window. But the ocean . . . it's just . . . too big. (makes a scrunched up face, like just tasted something horrible) One time in fact, I was in a hotel at the coast and I looked out the window . . . it was all dark and stormy . . . and I saw a wave as big as the hotel we were in, (pause) don't get me wrong, the wave disapated by the time it got to shore but (shiver)

praise for what

how come people get praised for doing what they should, and they do it finally. Why should we applaud him? Seriously, after how long does it become anti-climactic?
Can we applaud a 30-year old for finally learning to tie his shoe, when it was pure laziness that drove him to avoid it?
Can we praise a 21-year old for not spoiling in their pants, when they just wanted to watch tv and refused to discipline themselves?
When can we naturally assimilate people into what they should do and praise a 12 month old for learning to walk and then encourage them to go on to bigger and better things?
Does a parental heart always desire the best but get discouraged when there is really no change and then finally after so many years, one little thing? How happy can you be?

I really don't know. I feel disappointed when people don't live as they know they should and they just wallow in a self-made mire of disappointment and desire for things they shouldn't. I cannot be excited when they do what they should 80 years too late.
I suppose better late than never, but if it's something you know you should do, then why not at least try and see if you can at least work towards it.

Home in the castle 

16 years ago . . .

Tomorrow the beautiful daughter turns 16. so much has happened since her birth. she's moved from Santa Cruz to Alaska to Oregon and travel to Costa Rica to visit family. she's a happy young woman and thoughtful and pensive. She has been a great positive force in my life and made me make things more awesome for many people.

God loving me-the ultimate answer

I believe that if I can grasp onto the fact that God genuinely loves me and hold onto that, really Him instilling it in me, that I can be successful. My measure of success will change from having the best relationships with people, husband, parents, children, sisters, friends to being secure in Christ and being able to relish in the fact of being loved.
I think that out of that will flow what is suppose to happen. That naturally I will be able to love others with more purity and without feeling like they need to change to what I want them to be. The true adventure is being able to relax and allow God to love me and to not squirm and just get busy doing the stuff that should naturally flow out of relationship.